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Fifth Issue Article of the Month SEXUAL COMMUNICATION FOR A NEW MILLENNIUM Remember back to when you were a teenager or even younger and first starting to discover what sex was really like. We'd learned about sex from books, magazines, and peer talk and we couldn't wait to start actually getting in on it. Some of my best sexual memories are making out. Do you remember the kissing, the groping, the wrestling around, the prolonged excitement? There were the bra clasps from hell and the zippers and panty hose and trying to figure out how to make out in a car. We had a great advantage then in creating sexual fun. Besides being young and filled up with hormones, we knew we didn't know much. We were students. Every date a new adventure, a new discovery. Now we're older and know a lot more. We've had our share of experiences, relationships, and experiments. We've read lots of books and all the articles and still probably talk to our friends about sex. But guess what? We're still students. In spite of all we've done and enjoyed and repeated and refined, we haven't gone around the sexual world yet. Not by a long shot. The joy and excitement of sexual discovery is still there beckoning to us. It's just over that hill waving and shouting like crazy, "Over here! Over here!" To get from here to there, all we need is good sexual communication with our partners. But if you're like me, you never got a chance to take Sexual Communication 101. What to do? The best way to learn about sex is through play. That's really what we were doing as adolescents and it's not too late to get back into the game. Play comes easily and naturally to the young. When we get older, sometimes it helps to have some stimulation to our sexual creative impulses. A format of sex games is the natural remedy. This is how I got the inspiration to write my book on sex games. Once, long ago, I was sitting with a group of friends and they wanted to play this game. One of the people was my lover, Norma. The purpose of the game was to figure out the game. I was it, the one person who didn't known what the game was. Every time you asked a question about the game, the person you asked had to respond by pretending to be the person on their left. I had started to figure out the game but rather than let on that I understood it, I began asking questions about sexual fantasies and desires. When I asked Norma about being sexual with a woman she started to get visibly excited and turned on. The person on her left was a man so she had to pretend to respond as he would and she really got into the role. This was fun and I was getting some interesting information I didn't have before about Norma and her kinky desires. Norma had a lot of untapped potential as a lover. I remember once, she asked me, "Let's do something we've never done before?" I didn't know what to say in response. Sadly, we never got to those virgin areas of sexual exploration. Later in life, I reflected back on missed opportunities with Norma and with so many other lovers I had had. When I would explore one area of my sexual life with one lover, I would regret not having known what I really desired and what was possible to do with other former lovers. I just didn't know an easy or graceful way to get into conversation about sexual exploration. Thinking back on my great time with Norma and the game which became an unexpected sexual game, I thought, just improvise on that experience and make up some games to explore sex with. You never know what you're capable of sexually and what a great partner in sexual adventure your current lover may turn out to be. Dr. Walter Shelburne holds a Ph.D. in Philosophy from the University of Florida. He works as a professional channel, philosophical counselor, author, and publisher. In 1993 he published For Play: 150 Sex Games for Couples. Walter has just completed A Thinking Person's Guide to Sex and Love. He is devoted to personal and spiritual growth and the application of philosophical understanding to everyday concerns. Question of the Month - Dealing With Condom Anxiety Every month, I choose one question or subject from the many letters that I receive. I need your help. I have a question, and I pray you could answer it. Every time I put on a condom before sex I lose my erection. This always happens and I need to know how to stop this problem. I am 20 years old so I can't figure out what is wrong with me? I have been to a urologist and he gave me some viagra samples. All that stuff did was make me real hot and give me a huge headache. I get erections without a condom but they usually don't last that long. This is a big problem because sometimes I have unprotected sex with my girlfriend. I don't want her to get pregnant! I have also tried viromax and that has not worked either. What do I do ...please help. Congratulations on being aware of the importance of safer sex practices! You are already halfway home to the solution. I have a number of suggestions for you. First, it would be helpful if you could reduce your anxiety about the issue because fear only adds to the problem. I know that that is easier to say than to do, but your fear will almost assure a repeat of the unwanted condition. I have found what works best is to let go of any expectation around whether intercourse will occur or not. Intercourse is only one of the many delights of sexual play and should never be a goal. There is a wondrous buffet of experiences that can feed your intimacy and loving just as well. Know that whatever happens can be blissful and complete. If you lose your erection, perhaps you are not yet ready for intercourse, or there may be some issues that one or the both of you need to clear before you feel freer with one another. You may choose just to view it as an excuse to have fun by beginning again and engaging in other sexual activities until you are so aroused that putting on the condom becomes inconsequential. It is also possible to make the whole process of putting on the condom more sensual and erotic. You and your partner might try using condoms without lubricants or spermicide and have her try to put it on by mouth. It can be a fun adventure! Even if you don't get it right the first time, it can still be a lot of fun and by adding playfulness to the activity, you can also help alleviate the anxiety. On a more practical note, I would suggest using Durex Avanti condoms. They are made out of polyurethane rather than latex and are much more sensitive and natural feeling. Also, I would think that Viagra could be useful. However, headaches were frequently reported in the Viagra clinical trials and I would recommend taking an analgesic such as aspirin or tylenol simultaneously with the Viagra. There are also many herbal products on the market that do much the same thing without the side effects such as Pro-Sexual Plus, and others. You can find an interesting article about "Viagra: Performance, Side Effects and Safe Alternatives" on my website . I wish you joy, adventure and a lot of fun!!! Video Review of the Month Review of by Dr. Gary Schubach Cashmere is another excellent effort by Michael Ninn and the crew that brought us Latex, Shock, Sex I and II, and Dream Catcher. Again, they are bold and imaginative in their concept. Ninn again demonstrates that, unless a plot adds something to the sex scenes, an integrating idea that sets up the sex scenes is much better than the plots of most adult films. In this case, the concept is the music and styles of the late 60's and early 70's. In carrying it out, he replicates the musical styles of the period and wraps them around imaginative and well-filmed sexual "numbers." There is a lot that I can applaud about Cashmere. I thought that the choice of music was brilliant and featured a number of new musical pieces made to sound like the hit songs of the period. As usual, I found the camera work and editing to be ingenious. The camera angles were unusual and interesting. An example would be the way sucking cock was photographed. Frequently, it was done from a camera angle looking down as the male would see it with the actresses repeatedly looking up longingly at the camera and making eye contact with the audience. There was lots of fascinating activity away from the focal point of the action. Again, as in previous Ninn movies, there was a creative use of slow motion and engaging fades and dissolves. It created a realism that one seldom sees outside of a Ninn or Andrew Blake film. I could feel the blow jobs, almost like I was there. For me, the musical segues between the sexual numbers really worked. Some might find them a little hokey, but, all in all, for an adult film, the music served an important function in setting the tone of the piece. Additionally, I liked the simple but elegant sets that were used. The neon lights, inside and outside of the diner, were very imaginative. Again, in several of the numbers, Ninn uses neon television screens in fluorescent and day-glow colors in the background to play snippets of videos that add to the sexual numbers. In one sequence, the actor cums on a Lucite cylinder with bubbles rising on the inside and two actresses lick the fluid from the cylinder as if it was the most wonderful cock in the world. There were a few things that I found bothersome about Cashmere. The thong bikini tan line of current porn stars was distracting. It would have been better if makeup had given them the bikini tan lines of the period. Also, while the film is to be applauded for the use of condoms during vaginal and anal intercourse, the exterior cum shots in the mouths of the actresses or their licking up the cum afterwards, is clearly a high risk sexual activity. I understand the industry's belief in the necessity of a "money shot,Ó but I would have liked to have seen it done in a safe way, such as on the breasts or faces of the actresses with no ingestion of semen. Overall, I found Cashmere to be delightful and a film I highly recommend, particularly to couples. Michael Ninn and his team are to be acknowledged for their creativity and willingness to take risks in an industry dominated by formula videos. Like major producers of straight films, it is impossible to be perfect each time out. But what we can count on in a Ninn movie is the quality of the sexual scenes. It is my hope that VCA will continue to allow Ninn to be creative and break new ground within this genre. If you would like to buy a copy of Cashmere, just follow this link: Product of the Month For Play: 150 Sex Games for Couples This juicy book offers a delicious form of expansion: luxuriate in rediscovering the magic, joy and play of sex games. For Play has detailed descriptions of 150 participant games you can try at home. (Okay, you could try them at the beach, but it better be a remote one!) Partake of the numerous fun "adventures" that the pages of this book hold. Enjoy yourself, just maybe like you have never before enjoyed yourself. [Wish you could see the grin on my face.]
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